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Tween Movies. They are the universe’s punishment to a rebellious generation by giving them delusional daughters who think school is where all the drama is, and the only escape is to find a dude whose got zero personality and some fancy skin problem (sparkles, animated tattoos, you name it).
I’m not even going to bother with a synopsis. It’s Beauty and the Beast if it were written by Stephane Meyer. What I WILL do is compare Disney’s classic with this piece of PG-rated porn for girls to tell you that there’s more logic and creativity in a decade old cartoon for kids.
The main character is a hot young man who is a jerk because he's got daddy issues (*slash wrist here*). Love interest is sweet and likable, but she is a total Mary Sue. Throw in bland random blind guy and Mrs. Teapot to act as the magic Negroes to complete the cast. Oh, and Kate Olsen plays... Kate Olsen. If there's anything I liked about this movie, it's seeing her strut her stuff and be fierce.
Needs more "smize" though
It gets to me how they downplayed Beast's change of attitude. In the cartoon, when the prince was turned into a beast, he became secluded but he was still an ass until he got to know Belle. And even that didn't happen overnight. It shows that, while she was attractive, it was ultimately her kindness and love that changed him to be a better person.
Here, the moment prince charming gets inked, he instantly falls in love and stalks little miss sunshine, who apparently has abduction fantasies seeing as she isn't THAT bothered being locked up "supposedly" against her will.
Unrealistic, unbelievable and just plain STUPID.
I HAVE to spoil you on this to prove a point (it's not like you don't know how this shit is going to end anyway). There's a scene where this film's "Beauty", Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens), and her dad get mugged. Lindy gets knocked out and stalker boy "Beastly", Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) carries her to their apartment LEAVING THE DAD TO FEND FOR HIMSELF.
Oh, but the inconsiderate stupidity doesn't end there!
Kyle suddenly realizes that Lindy would probably get upset if her dad died (d'oh). He goes back to the alley to find that her dad has shot one of the muggers. Mugger's brother vows revenge and runs up a set of stairs. Instead of actually shooting the other mugger from the same mother (or even just threaten him), dad does... nothing. And because of his actions - or lack thereof - he and his daughter will live in total paranoia. Maybe he ran out of bullets, but then why is he still pointing it at the mugger, and eventually to Kyle?
And what does Mr. good-hearted Kyle do to comfort the shaken man? He blackmails the guy into forcing his daughter to stay with him! And because daddy loves his little girl so much, he accepts the offer and forces his daughter to live with a total stranger who looks like Kat Von D's failed experiment!
I HAVE to spoil you on this to prove a point (it's not like you don't know how this shit is going to end anyway). There's a scene where this film's "Beauty", Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens), and her dad get mugged. Lindy gets knocked out and stalker boy "Beastly", Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) carries her to their apartment LEAVING THE DAD TO FEND FOR HIMSELF.
Oh, but the inconsiderate stupidity doesn't end there!
Kyle suddenly realizes that Lindy would probably get upset if her dad died (d'oh). He goes back to the alley to find that her dad has shot one of the muggers. Mugger's brother vows revenge and runs up a set of stairs. Instead of actually shooting the other mugger from the same mother (or even just threaten him), dad does... nothing. And because of his actions - or lack thereof - he and his daughter will live in total paranoia. Maybe he ran out of bullets, but then why is he still pointing it at the mugger, and eventually to Kyle?
And what does Mr. good-hearted Kyle do to comfort the shaken man? He blackmails the guy into forcing his daughter to stay with him! And because daddy loves his little girl so much, he accepts the offer and forces his daughter to live with a total stranger who looks like Kat Von D's failed experiment!
Shoot him? Call the police? Runaway forever? Fuck that, he's got a bad case of awesome looking herps!
And this over the fear of a mugger who doesn't even look like he has threatening connections to search for people! That is one of the many, MANY "intelligible" scenes you will encounter in this movie.
This movie does NOT understand what being ugly is, and the relevance it has to the tale
But of all these things I hate about the movie, this takes the beef: The reason Beast was described as an animal-like creature even in the original tale was to see if Beauty's love is enough to disregard the biological, moral and logical alarm bells going off her head. Hence, even after showering her with gifts, Belle was still hesitant of how she felt about Beast.
In Beastly, finding "true love" isn't really a problem, the guy just had to dump the snobs he was with for those with ink and disfigurement fetishes. He is actually still pretty good looking, not even half as ugly as Quasimodo. And he's LOADED. If he's that desperate, I'm sure he'll find what he seeks in a country much poorer than his!
He's human, ergo still bangable. I can't believe Beastly would feel AS MUCH despair as a man turned into something that's no longer human and had to make someone love him. To me, he was just a whiny prick who became socially awkward.
Recommendation
If you're a girl who needs to feel like a special snowflake but can't wait for the next Twilight sequel, or just want to laugh at girls like that, then this movie is for you.
For everyone else, go watch the highly superior Disney version. It's not the worst film I've seen, but it's a sloppy modernization of a classic tale. It sacrificed the heart of the story to keep it's cast pretty, and that is the greatest irony of this tragic romance.
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